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Guest Blog from Kathryn Thomas

Posted on: November 19, 2010

Bad Relationship Junkie?
Kathryn Thomas

When I was a little girl romance
and kisses went hand in hand. At 14
I thought I was going to shrivel
into the scenery an unknown,
unkissed girl. Life was unfair and
I was ill equipped with my flat
chest and long legs. I simply
wasn’t born with what was needed in
the world to attract the male
population. This perspective
persisted with an astonishing power
well into my late thirties.

So if a woman feels she is not
equipped with a natural mechanism
for attraction, exactly what does
she do then in a relationship
seeking adventure?

Therein lays the problem for many
of us. I know I am not alone in the
attraction of less than desirable
relationships in my lifetime. So
how to break the pattern seems a
much more viable approach. What am
I starting with, seems to be the
most pertinent question.

I am starting with a 50 year old
woman who has had some bad
experiences in the great arena of
love. What is left of the girl at
the beginning and what is left in
the present inside of the woman who
is here today? How much of the past
is making up the present me?

Logic tells me that if I am looking
in my eyes in the mirror each
morning believing only in the woman
of the past, then I am going to
start every day as if I have walked
into a latter time, almost spooky
to think of the mind walking around
in the past though the body is
still here for the rest of the
world to see and react to. Yes
react to. Just as I react to the
day where there is actually a 50
year old staring back at me in the
mirror. If my perceptions are based
on the past, not the present, then
I hate looking at myself in the
mirror.

Maybe the first step is honesty.
Maybe the second step would be a
little acceptance of reality. Then
I am on a completely different
road. It isn’t self hatred anyway.
And that is a great step forward.
Ooops. Now I am staring at me. The
real me. Nope nope nope don’t let
that self loathing move back in.
Stand there and stare deep down
into your eyes. Don’t let that past
person move in, you know, the one
that says “my god you are one ugly
woman” or “who is possibly going to
want you now?” or “Beauty just
isn’t your thing” or “who do you
think you are to even hope someone
might love you?” ohhhhhhhhhh these
are just a few of the torments that
flit in and out every millisecond
of the mind of a woman staying in a
bad relationship. And that is all
she has known up until this moment.
What is different in this moment?

Look deep, remember, deep into your
own eyes. What do you, YOU see? Is
the woman standing before you
there? Now reach for her best
friend. What is she saying about
you, there in the mirror? As your
best friend what would you say to
you? Find your kindest voice and
say it. This is magic. See those
tears? They are real. This is real.

Perception is powerful and we must
constantly check it. Consciously.
This is work. Not always, but in
the beginning. It is the work we
have avoided our whole lives, doing
the same things over and over every
time expecting different results.
What if you are younger, what if
you are me back then. What if you
are in your first bad relationship?
What if a combination of hormones,
confusion, religion, expectations
and opinions are driving all your
decisions? What are the chances you
will find happiness in a
relationship? How can you hear your
inner voice if she is buried in the
thoughts of others? With all the
gorgeous men in the world, how
could yours keep ending up so
shabby? What if the answer lies
within those eyes in the mirror,
and not in the outside world? What
if all along, it is just fear
disguised as a million voices in
the mind?

A fellow named Emmet Fox said once
“Fear is a bluffer. Call its
bluff.”

I did that one day, in the mirror,
inside my own eyes. I called its
bluff. And today I am really happy.
Really happy. I changed my
perspective about myself, about
life, and about the world. Today I
have freedom that started with my
first real good look in the mirror.

I have learned something valuable
that I never knew before.
It is unnatural to hide my gifts
and myself (presence) from the
world. If I am doing that, then
there is a good chance the
relationship I am in is trying to
teach me something.

That is I am worthwhile. Any
relationship can teach me this, in
misery or in love. I think I am
going to spend more time with the
good ones even if the first ones
are just with people who I call
friends. In the meantime, until I
cherish myself just as I am, just
the way I was made to be, I cannot
cherish another for exactly who
they are. That is what my truest
self, my heart of heart really
wants, which is why a bad
relationship feels so bad. It goes
against freedom, peace, worthiness,
kindness and love.

I have learned a second thing.
It only takes the willingness to
change. It was the willingness that
got me to meet my eyes that day.
And it was desperation that gave me
that willingness. See how the bad
can be the good. See how it could
all be just about the life we live
and our part in it.

I have learned a third thing.
Something I really never knew.
This life here on earth is one that
holds innumerable choices. Not just
in a day, but in a moment. There
are more ways of being than any
human can count and computers have
a hard time keeping up with
variances. Why would I limit myself
to so little?

I am your Grandma who keeps saying
look up sweet child, anything;
ANYTHING is possible, when you
learn to love

You.

Kathy Thomas is a Native of
Florida, living a quiet simple life
in a small town on the east coast.
After wandering around in an RV for
a while as a Park volunteer the
muse kicked in. Kathy is a
musician, songwriter, Reike Master,
Poet, and a grandmother of 5 which
leaves her wide open to life. Check
out her blog at
https://sposdtabe.wordpress.com

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Irene S. Roth, Freelance Writer for Teens, Tweens, and Kids

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